tennis

is so tiring.
and it can be boring, when all the 'hits' go everywhere but into the court, and the opponent's serves seem impossible to return.
*sigh*
not to mention the pressure is increasing (as the match is so near, but my skills can still be scaled as 1.5 to ZERO ONLY), it can turn tennis from boring to annoying.

but i'm no coward.
I'm not good in tennis, but my name is in, so fight i must (and win if i can).

unspoken feelings.

my heart is missing something so much i'm beginning to dream about it.

kusutness

If only i can make my head feels better and thinks less just by jotting down some of its 'content' here.
i always want somethings, and when i decide to go after those 'things', i'll be forced to face lots of trouble, headache, and kusutness before i get to own them. And then i feel like letting those things go, but i can't. not anymore.
life ain't easy.
I know, i do.
but i wish it could be easier.
as a kid i thought when i grew up i wouldn't have any problems.
Adults seem able to handle anything. Throw any puzzles to them, they'll be able to solve them. Adults always have the answers to questions. Adults do so many things that children don't, they don't even allow children to try. it must be so good to be an adult, then.
Or so I thought.

Must do what I'm supposed to do

I've got quite a long list of work to do.
but i don't quite know why i'm not doing the work.
I know next week will be such a long week, but i won't be at my office at all, thus all the work will be neglected for the whole week.
Aiyoh.
I need to focus. On my work.
But I gotta deal with THAT particular stuff first.
Then I can focus on the office work.

Yeah right.

its precious when its gone, or almost gone.

Its my voice.
I was beginning to have a hoarse voice early last week, but by last Friday it got from bad to worse and I could barely speak audibly.
To speak was to struggle, and the process was too tiring.
I, of all people, are among the ones who should know better regarding vocal hygiene. But nevertheless, I could not escape sore throat, could I.
It was't really a sore throat though.
With high awareness and concern, I went to see a physician. I knew I should go straight to an ENT specialist, but no way I would let myself be scoped.
So a physician it was.
The physician came to a conclusion, I had laryngitis. And he actually lectured me on going on a vocal rest.
I knew it was coming, vocal rest, but to hear it from a non-specialist, it was quite irony.
Usually, doctors (even specialists) would refer their patients to me (and my colleagues) when the patients have voice disorders.
Then I would be the one who advise people what they should and should not do and to go on vocal rest. I wondered if it came across his mind that he should refer me to an SLP for further voice management, would he refer me to me? hahaha.

Now I should do what I preach.
Vocal rest it is.

haih

yesterday, i did it again.
haih!
no, i did not break anyone's heart, at least not how Bri*ney did.
but i think i did hurt someone feelings.
well the real story is like this,
I played netball yesterday. I jumped, I ran, and I semfut (ok this doesn't really relate to the story).
nevertheless I tried my best.
I was playing with my fac-mates, against staff from another faculty.
We'll be having a match next week, and yesterday was our first day of training je pun.
And there I was, forgetting about handling myself with professionalism, and tactfulness.
I forgot I was playing against some staff, whom I'll be working with in the days, and even yearssss to come.
Actually I only made this one remark that the ball was 'ours' (not that the ball was belonged to us but it was our turn to pass the ball) because one of the player from the other team had tapped the ball outside and the other player tapped it back inside and they just kept playing (apakah?).
So I was like, "THE BALL IS OURS! (i was telling (read:yelling to) my team actually), (bola) dah keluar dah pun (i'm not sure this part was for whom)." Perhaps I had yelled unintentionally (the adrenaline was pumping, kan?), and there was one staff (who was wayyy junior) from the other team who got annoyed and replied,
"Eh taulah, ak ala, relaxlah!"

Huh?!
Suddenly I realised, I was only playing with my fellow uni-mates, and it wasn't even a real game!.
Where have all the respects gone?

Well I suppose we were able to recompose ourselves and regained our respect and politeness after the game, because soon after the game ended, we swarmed each other and began to shake hands. Not in the 'hey, good game, see ya-manner', but 'Hi Cik, from which dept are you-and-selamat hari raya manner'.
If you get what I mean.

arrogant, am I?

Two days ago, I realised I'm an arrogant person.
I myself hate it when I behave that way.
Hate it.
Shouldn't have done that.
But I couldn't help it.
Its just sometimes I feel I need to present myself with confidence, but I think people may read that as pride.
And people will see me as an arrogant person, not someone with confidence.

At work, I need to act professional. Must always appear professional, strong and confident. Sometimes I feel it is hard to act all lemah lembut and berbahasa bunga-bunga penuh kias whatsoever, just to show that I'm being polite to someone else.
Because I feel, even though without 'sugary-acts' I still can (and am) polite and I do respect other people, especially the elders.

But somehow, when I'm around my distant family members and relatives, I feel secluded. I don't really fit in. I've observed this a few times, and I still fail to fit in.
Perhaps its because I rarely see them that I begin to find them strangers?
Or is it because I'm too arrogant to accept that I am still in their league, and I'm still one of them?

She

There was a particular moment yesterday when I felt very glad that I'm in a great term with her. This person was someone whom I never expected I could ever really get along with, although I tried to.
To make things worse, something not good happened between us some 4 years ago, which had successfully diminished any little possibilities (at that time) for us to be good friends.
But it seemed that we (me and her) had decided to look at the bright side, and we both learnt that we needed to grow (and grow fast) and to be wiser.
We opted to seek, and grant forgiveness. But do we forget? No, i don't think so. I think it'd be good if we remember what happened, so that we are reminded of our mistake, which should not be repeated.
And yesterday, at that exact moment, when she laughed (I'm not sure to whose joke) and as I looked at her, a sudden thought came to me. How, oh how, grateful I am that she did (or seem to) accept my apologies. And I couldn't help but reconfirm my drawn decision that she, with no doubt, is a lady with a pure, kind heart.

my intention

I've been thinking a lot lately. analysing. About other people. About me.
I've decided to see the best in other people.
When they behave so badly, I must remind myself to hold on to their good side.
But sometimes, a lot of times actually, I fail to do so.
Not to let emotions cloud my judgement and actions can be tough.
Nevertheless, I'll do my best. People have their own reasons of doing something, which may be in their best interest, but not ours, or absolutely against ours.
But I realise life can be rough.
And during those challenging period I may stumble a little.
But I hope I wont ever lose my track.
I still have a little doubt, though.

My personality?

Aurora, this is what I get for my personality test. Am not so sure if they are completely correct tho. hmmm. *figuring out*

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Why o why?

Like a little girl who can’t stop playing with her new doll, I find it difficult to restrain myself from composing yet another post. It’s my mind, it doesn’t stop ‘talking’. I wonder if the ‘talks’ are really useful, meaningful,- should I put them into words.

There’s one thing I’ve been wanting to blog about, but never had the courage to do so. Well, being at my age, every now and then I’ll come to think and ask myself; why am I still single? Why me? What is it that I lack of? Err, well, I suppose there are lots of things that I lack of (theheheee!). Beauty, wealth, beauty again. But there are many women out there who’ve got married; even without having good looks. And poor women get married as well, don’t they? So I guess beauty and wealth are not the key factors in getting a life partner.
So what is it?
Oh yes, of course, you may say, its jodoh (fate). Yes of course, my dear readers, I never denied that this is about jodoh. It is fate that I’m still single. It is fate that all the single ladies are still single. Of course it is. But lets not just cling on that excuse (“Belum jodoh, sabar ajelah..”), and then become depressed. There must be something that I can, maybe, improve on or at least have some general ideas of why exactly I don’t have any man in my life now.

At times, I think it is because of my attitude. I’m independent (sometimes I just put on an act, there are moments I feel all helpless). Nevertheless, I always stand on my ground, I’ll speak up my opinions if I feel I’m right, I am strong-willed, most of the time I prefer to feel confident of my own self, I always mind my manners, and I don’t have the slightest idea how to manja-manja with a guy. Maybe these characteristics, especially the latter, push the guys away? But I thought those are good attitudes? No?

Or probably it is because of the standard or criteria that I’ve pre-set (most probably unconsciously because I don’t think I have any standard or specific criteria that I’m looking for in a man). Well, I admit I have certain expectations. I think all women have at least some basis requirements. What woman would want a most-wanted criminal to be her husband? God forbid! Surely we would hope for a decent, religious (which would be a bonus), truthful, loving man. But I never have a preference to a certain kind of man only, for example, a Chinese looking man, or a baby-faced man. Or he must be tall, and dark. Or he must be slim, or tough. Or a man who can take the lead. Or someone more humble who put other’s needs before his. Seriously, I don’t have such preferences. But when I think about it, really think about it, I think perhaps I do have the pre-set criteria, which apparently I don’t realise of. And is it because of these invisible pre-set criteria I failed to find my man? Is it?

Or am I not ready to accept anybody, to find anybody, to have anybody to care for? Wow, actually this is the first time I’m asking myself this question. I’ve never really considered it because I thought I was more than ready for a marriage, let alone a relationship. May be, I was not as ready as I thought I was. But, I’m almost 30! Why wouldn’t I be ready to commit to a relationship when other women my age already have 2-3 kids of their own? I envy them, for goodness sake. Me, afraid of commitment? That sounds ridiculous. Wait. It sounded ridiculous. So should I just cross out this fear-of-commitment possibility? No, I don’t think so. I think this is something that I can think about. I should think about.

Wuh!

Seems I’ve written quite an essay here. I thought I could get some ideas why am I still looking for the Mr. Right by putting my thoughts (obviously, only some of them) and rather critical analyses down. But I got quite an opposite result here. Having thought about the possible reasons why I’m not yet married, I figured, it is all about something that I realise from the start; jodoh. We (single ladies) can burst our heads thinking of the ‘whys’, but we must know better than that.

We may want to-, and we can-, change our appearances, from all selekeh girl to an elegant lady, not because we want to attract the opposite sex, but because really, as human, we have to be better with time, don’t we? We may also change our bad attitudes to more presentable ones, again, not to pretend that we are well-mannered person, but because as human, we must have great personality. Great attitudes. Great akhlak.
We perform our solah, we say our prayers, not just because we hope to get our long-searched-for man, but because it’s our role as muslimah to improve our ibadah quality.

We do what’s necessary, and redha with what’s to come.
Allah knows best.

The first entry after the first.

I know, yesterday, just yesterday i indicated that i would not blog in here until anytime soon. But heck, I was never able to stay away from my brand new blogs (Yes, you got it right, i used to have blogS), and I suppose, never will.

I know, a person like me, who frequently talk to herself and seems to do lots of thinking really needs a place where she can write free-flow-ly. Especially when that person has lots of time to do so. But time is something that I don't really have. As much as i realise my love for writing, I also realise that I'm so prone to not write soon. Thats what had happened to my other blogs. Left neglected, until I reached one point when I felt i didnt do justice to the blogspace by having frozen blogs, so I finally hit the DELETE button. But not without preserving some of what I've written. I edited them, so some became short stories, and some, poems.
I don't know for how long this blog will last. I also don't know if this blog will be beneficial to anyone else. But at the moment, I really have the urge to write. Or to be more specific, actually I need to read what I have to write.

Oh I've got to stop now. Got to attend to something else.

hola!

this blog will contain nothing, at least nothing meaningful for that matter. For now.
Perhaps someday you are here again by chance and see something worth reading and you may then decide to be a follower of this blog. But until that day, toodles!