Why o why?

Like a little girl who can’t stop playing with her new doll, I find it difficult to restrain myself from composing yet another post. It’s my mind, it doesn’t stop ‘talking’. I wonder if the ‘talks’ are really useful, meaningful,- should I put them into words.

There’s one thing I’ve been wanting to blog about, but never had the courage to do so. Well, being at my age, every now and then I’ll come to think and ask myself; why am I still single? Why me? What is it that I lack of? Err, well, I suppose there are lots of things that I lack of (theheheee!). Beauty, wealth, beauty again. But there are many women out there who’ve got married; even without having good looks. And poor women get married as well, don’t they? So I guess beauty and wealth are not the key factors in getting a life partner.
So what is it?
Oh yes, of course, you may say, its jodoh (fate). Yes of course, my dear readers, I never denied that this is about jodoh. It is fate that I’m still single. It is fate that all the single ladies are still single. Of course it is. But lets not just cling on that excuse (“Belum jodoh, sabar ajelah..”), and then become depressed. There must be something that I can, maybe, improve on or at least have some general ideas of why exactly I don’t have any man in my life now.

At times, I think it is because of my attitude. I’m independent (sometimes I just put on an act, there are moments I feel all helpless). Nevertheless, I always stand on my ground, I’ll speak up my opinions if I feel I’m right, I am strong-willed, most of the time I prefer to feel confident of my own self, I always mind my manners, and I don’t have the slightest idea how to manja-manja with a guy. Maybe these characteristics, especially the latter, push the guys away? But I thought those are good attitudes? No?

Or probably it is because of the standard or criteria that I’ve pre-set (most probably unconsciously because I don’t think I have any standard or specific criteria that I’m looking for in a man). Well, I admit I have certain expectations. I think all women have at least some basis requirements. What woman would want a most-wanted criminal to be her husband? God forbid! Surely we would hope for a decent, religious (which would be a bonus), truthful, loving man. But I never have a preference to a certain kind of man only, for example, a Chinese looking man, or a baby-faced man. Or he must be tall, and dark. Or he must be slim, or tough. Or a man who can take the lead. Or someone more humble who put other’s needs before his. Seriously, I don’t have such preferences. But when I think about it, really think about it, I think perhaps I do have the pre-set criteria, which apparently I don’t realise of. And is it because of these invisible pre-set criteria I failed to find my man? Is it?

Or am I not ready to accept anybody, to find anybody, to have anybody to care for? Wow, actually this is the first time I’m asking myself this question. I’ve never really considered it because I thought I was more than ready for a marriage, let alone a relationship. May be, I was not as ready as I thought I was. But, I’m almost 30! Why wouldn’t I be ready to commit to a relationship when other women my age already have 2-3 kids of their own? I envy them, for goodness sake. Me, afraid of commitment? That sounds ridiculous. Wait. It sounded ridiculous. So should I just cross out this fear-of-commitment possibility? No, I don’t think so. I think this is something that I can think about. I should think about.

Wuh!

Seems I’ve written quite an essay here. I thought I could get some ideas why am I still looking for the Mr. Right by putting my thoughts (obviously, only some of them) and rather critical analyses down. But I got quite an opposite result here. Having thought about the possible reasons why I’m not yet married, I figured, it is all about something that I realise from the start; jodoh. We (single ladies) can burst our heads thinking of the ‘whys’, but we must know better than that.

We may want to-, and we can-, change our appearances, from all selekeh girl to an elegant lady, not because we want to attract the opposite sex, but because really, as human, we have to be better with time, don’t we? We may also change our bad attitudes to more presentable ones, again, not to pretend that we are well-mannered person, but because as human, we must have great personality. Great attitudes. Great akhlak.
We perform our solah, we say our prayers, not just because we hope to get our long-searched-for man, but because it’s our role as muslimah to improve our ibadah quality.

We do what’s necessary, and redha with what’s to come.
Allah knows best.