kusutness

If only i can make my head feels better and thinks less just by jotting down some of its 'content' here.
i always want somethings, and when i decide to go after those 'things', i'll be forced to face lots of trouble, headache, and kusutness before i get to own them. And then i feel like letting those things go, but i can't. not anymore.
life ain't easy.
I know, i do.
but i wish it could be easier.
as a kid i thought when i grew up i wouldn't have any problems.
Adults seem able to handle anything. Throw any puzzles to them, they'll be able to solve them. Adults always have the answers to questions. Adults do so many things that children don't, they don't even allow children to try. it must be so good to be an adult, then.
Or so I thought.

Must do what I'm supposed to do

I've got quite a long list of work to do.
but i don't quite know why i'm not doing the work.
I know next week will be such a long week, but i won't be at my office at all, thus all the work will be neglected for the whole week.
Aiyoh.
I need to focus. On my work.
But I gotta deal with THAT particular stuff first.
Then I can focus on the office work.

Yeah right.

its precious when its gone, or almost gone.

Its my voice.
I was beginning to have a hoarse voice early last week, but by last Friday it got from bad to worse and I could barely speak audibly.
To speak was to struggle, and the process was too tiring.
I, of all people, are among the ones who should know better regarding vocal hygiene. But nevertheless, I could not escape sore throat, could I.
It was't really a sore throat though.
With high awareness and concern, I went to see a physician. I knew I should go straight to an ENT specialist, but no way I would let myself be scoped.
So a physician it was.
The physician came to a conclusion, I had laryngitis. And he actually lectured me on going on a vocal rest.
I knew it was coming, vocal rest, but to hear it from a non-specialist, it was quite irony.
Usually, doctors (even specialists) would refer their patients to me (and my colleagues) when the patients have voice disorders.
Then I would be the one who advise people what they should and should not do and to go on vocal rest. I wondered if it came across his mind that he should refer me to an SLP for further voice management, would he refer me to me? hahaha.

Now I should do what I preach.
Vocal rest it is.

haih

yesterday, i did it again.
haih!
no, i did not break anyone's heart, at least not how Bri*ney did.
but i think i did hurt someone feelings.
well the real story is like this,
I played netball yesterday. I jumped, I ran, and I semfut (ok this doesn't really relate to the story).
nevertheless I tried my best.
I was playing with my fac-mates, against staff from another faculty.
We'll be having a match next week, and yesterday was our first day of training je pun.
And there I was, forgetting about handling myself with professionalism, and tactfulness.
I forgot I was playing against some staff, whom I'll be working with in the days, and even yearssss to come.
Actually I only made this one remark that the ball was 'ours' (not that the ball was belonged to us but it was our turn to pass the ball) because one of the player from the other team had tapped the ball outside and the other player tapped it back inside and they just kept playing (apakah?).
So I was like, "THE BALL IS OURS! (i was telling (read:yelling to) my team actually), (bola) dah keluar dah pun (i'm not sure this part was for whom)." Perhaps I had yelled unintentionally (the adrenaline was pumping, kan?), and there was one staff (who was wayyy junior) from the other team who got annoyed and replied,
"Eh taulah, ak ala, relaxlah!"

Huh?!
Suddenly I realised, I was only playing with my fellow uni-mates, and it wasn't even a real game!.
Where have all the respects gone?

Well I suppose we were able to recompose ourselves and regained our respect and politeness after the game, because soon after the game ended, we swarmed each other and began to shake hands. Not in the 'hey, good game, see ya-manner', but 'Hi Cik, from which dept are you-and-selamat hari raya manner'.
If you get what I mean.

arrogant, am I?

Two days ago, I realised I'm an arrogant person.
I myself hate it when I behave that way.
Hate it.
Shouldn't have done that.
But I couldn't help it.
Its just sometimes I feel I need to present myself with confidence, but I think people may read that as pride.
And people will see me as an arrogant person, not someone with confidence.

At work, I need to act professional. Must always appear professional, strong and confident. Sometimes I feel it is hard to act all lemah lembut and berbahasa bunga-bunga penuh kias whatsoever, just to show that I'm being polite to someone else.
Because I feel, even though without 'sugary-acts' I still can (and am) polite and I do respect other people, especially the elders.

But somehow, when I'm around my distant family members and relatives, I feel secluded. I don't really fit in. I've observed this a few times, and I still fail to fit in.
Perhaps its because I rarely see them that I begin to find them strangers?
Or is it because I'm too arrogant to accept that I am still in their league, and I'm still one of them?

She

There was a particular moment yesterday when I felt very glad that I'm in a great term with her. This person was someone whom I never expected I could ever really get along with, although I tried to.
To make things worse, something not good happened between us some 4 years ago, which had successfully diminished any little possibilities (at that time) for us to be good friends.
But it seemed that we (me and her) had decided to look at the bright side, and we both learnt that we needed to grow (and grow fast) and to be wiser.
We opted to seek, and grant forgiveness. But do we forget? No, i don't think so. I think it'd be good if we remember what happened, so that we are reminded of our mistake, which should not be repeated.
And yesterday, at that exact moment, when she laughed (I'm not sure to whose joke) and as I looked at her, a sudden thought came to me. How, oh how, grateful I am that she did (or seem to) accept my apologies. And I couldn't help but reconfirm my drawn decision that she, with no doubt, is a lady with a pure, kind heart.

my intention

I've been thinking a lot lately. analysing. About other people. About me.
I've decided to see the best in other people.
When they behave so badly, I must remind myself to hold on to their good side.
But sometimes, a lot of times actually, I fail to do so.
Not to let emotions cloud my judgement and actions can be tough.
Nevertheless, I'll do my best. People have their own reasons of doing something, which may be in their best interest, but not ours, or absolutely against ours.
But I realise life can be rough.
And during those challenging period I may stumble a little.
But I hope I wont ever lose my track.
I still have a little doubt, though.